A Note to my HOA (That my wife wouldn’t let me send)

This is a repost from my old Blog from 17 years ago. I received a letter from our Homeowner’s Association. The letter had a list of proposed amendments to our charter that were, in my opinion, absurd and simply unreasonable. It is like they wanted a police state in our neighborhood. This sparked my idea.

There is a song by Flemming and John about writing letters in your head, and this is mine. This is basically the letter that I wanted to send all the home owners in our neighborhood in response to this offensive epistle. For obvious reasons and the pleas of my wife, I opted against sending it (my wife really laughed, but I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to send it). This is basically a dead letter, but I figured why let it go completely obscure? I am posting it here for your viewing pleasure. Please forgive me if it is too over the top, but that was obviously my intent.

I am reposting this because I get emails from time to time, thanking me for posting something that so many people wished they could send to their own HOA. I hope you will enjoy it.

Dear Fellow White Sands Citizens

After receiving T.H.’s letter, I felt that I needed to write a letter of my own. Based on her concerns, it is clear to me that we need to take action in our neighborhood. After all, we wouldn’t want people thinking ill of each other. I have decided to add a couple more things to this list that will better convey the message that she eloquently stated in her letter.

Let’s start with animals: it was suggested that we limit the breeds of allowable dogs in the interest of safety. I also think that all dogs should be leashed at all times: even when they are sleeping and indoors. Since we all know that breed limiting may be considered partisan, I would propose that we ban all dogs from the neighborhood. Also, since Cat Scratch Fever is not just a horrible cover song performed by Molly Hatchet but rather a real and dangerous thing, we should go ahead and ban cats, too. While we are at it, it is a fact that avian flu is carried by birds so let’s ban parrots, parakeets, and the like as well. After all, it is all in the interest of safety.

Our property value is at stake here, and so, by golly, we need to take some action to maximize the home values. I suggest that we not allow any cars in our neighborhood that are older than 5 years. This will give our neighborhood that rich feeling. Also, any car that has a physical blemish, like a door ding or broken tail light, or is made by Buick must be parked in the garage. We don’t want to send the wrong message to prospective buyers out there. Motorcycles are strictly forbidden. Also any car that’s base model costs less than $15,000 is prohibited. It is also a known fact that black, silver, and white are the colors of dignitaries. Only these three color types will be permissible.

In addition, we need a dress code, especially for our children. Any boy playing in our neighborhood should be required to wear white cotton shorts or pants, a button-down shirt, and a cardigan or sweater vest. Girls will wear dresses of at least knee length and covered shoulders and have bows and frilly things in their hair. Speaking of hair, a girl’s hair must be long, and a boy’s hair must be short. Shoes need to be worn at all times, even if the child is playing in the sprinklers. Now that I think of it, it is really dangerous to have kids under five playing at all in their front yards, so if your children are in the front yard, they should be on leashes, with a collar to identify their owner. We need to send the message that we really care about our kids.

Adults also must dress accordingly, men should wear at least a sports jacket and top-hat at all times, even when mowing their yard or cleaning their pool. Ladies must wear dresses and carry parasols to shade them from that harsh Florida environment.

Also, we want to send the message that we are classy here, so at Halloween, we need to make a rule that the minimum candy that can be given to a child is a full-sized candy bar: no more of those lame-o Smarties or chintzy candy corn. We should probably give king-sized bars, but I’ll leave that up to you, after all, this isn’t some communist dictatorship telling us what to do. Also, all costumes worn by our children on Halloween need to be handmade, and a sheet with two holes in it for eyes doesn’t count. All costumes must be approved by the appointed homeowner’s committee. If you want to be rich, it starts with dressing the part.

No holidays will be recognized in our neighborhood by any outside decorations. Outside adornments should be strictly forbidden.

Shopping at certain stores in our area may also send a negative message, so you will no longer be allowed to shop at any store that has ‘mart,’ ‘club,’ ‘warehouse,’ or ‘discount’ in its name. The HOA will have to get together and make a list of approved and forbidden stores.

All homes must be immaculate, inside and out. We should make it a law that we can come into any home on the block and ‘critique’ its appearance. If the owners don’t clean up their mess, we should have an appointed maid service come in and do it for them at their expense. This same logic should apply to the outside of the homes, too.

No flags of any kind should be flown in the neighborhood, and cars may not have bumper stickers or vanity plates because all of these send the wrong message. No wait! I think we need to come up with our own neighborhood flag that the citizens of White Sands can hang with pride and that sends the message that we are united and not dysfunctional people under the rule of a Gestapo-like police agency.

This is a lot of rules to add, so we will probably need to begin a neighborhood watch to ensure that all of our neighbors are in loving compliance with all rules. It will need to be a 24-hour watch, so each household will be required to have someone volunteer once every 3 weeks for a day. A day is made up of 24 hours so families may want to split the day into two, twelve-hour shifts. And before anyone asks: children under five may not volunteer for this duty since we will need to provide them with an armed semi-automatic gun to fulfill their duties.

Since we are now implementing a neighborhood watch, we will also need to add a guard tower to our neighborhood. Lesser places put up a little ‘hut’ in the front of their street. This is about as foreboding as a baby kitten at a WWE smack-down fest. We are better than that! We should put up a ten-foot barrier complete with barbed wire, searchlights, trained attack dogs, surveillance cameras, and warning sirens. This will send the message that we are safety-minded and care about the little people living in our neighborhood. All cars entering and exiting our street will need to be searched. This may be a little extreme, but we can’t be too safe, can we?

Though we have no crossing streets, we should also put up a stop light in the middle so that we can let the children cross the street safely. The light should change every sixty seconds so that no pedestrians have to wait too long to cross. In the future maybe we should consider building a bridge over the street for little ones to cross: we just can’t be too safe.

We should also install speakers all through the neighborhood and it should have tracks that say things like ‘White Sands citizens are better because they comply with all rules set out by the grand emperors of the Home Owner’s Association (HOA).’, ‘We love White Sands and we keep our lives hygienically sterile’, ‘All White Sands citizens love the HOA and are happy to assist in following the rules.’, ‘We’re not snooty, we just have class!’ and ‘It’s an honor to be a White Sands citizen and people like us.’.

I hope that I have made my point very clear here. My wife and I are on a much-needed vacation during this next meeting of the HOA. If you are like me and think that these new proposals are ludicrous and make you feel like you are in Nazi Germany than in a real neighborhood, I hope that you will vote against these amendments. It is ridiculous finger-pointing policies like these that make enemies of neighbors.

Please consider this letter our household’s votes against changing the rules that govern our street.

Sincerely
Doug